Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Of dogs and poop!

The resident human Chauffeur has gone over the edge.   He is seeking a Nobel Prize for his work in Poopology.     He is even threatening to write a Doctoral Thesis on the topic, and see if he can not get a endowed chair established at the local University. 

You see, he has this theory that when you compare the number of dogs (d) in the household to the number of dog poops (DP) that need scooping at any given time, you find a number of curious mathematical relationships.

  • First, the relationship between resident dogs at any given time, and the number of poops per day seems to be logarithmic.  If you will allow days to equal DY, He believes that you can express back yard dog poop using the mathematical formula of (DP=(d to the tenth)*DY).       
  • Although the above formula does correlate well to the number of dog poops in the yard at any given time, there are other formulas that seem to also track backyard dog poops at any given time.   He has a graph of black helicopter sightings and he says there seems to be enough of a correlation to prove that black helicopters are actually sprinkling dog poops in back yards.    It certainly is a better explanation of black helicopters than any other we have heard. 
  • He has placed book marks in several Stephen Hawking books.    He has this theory that the number of dog poops in the yard is mathematically linked to they existence of Black Holes and Worm Holes in the time-space fabric.   He believes that in between Worm Holes and Black Holes, they will eventually discover a third window, Dog Holes.   He has sent several e-mails to Stephen Hawking, but so far has not received a reply, unless that fellow with the white outfit and the butterfly net was from Hawing's office, but he did not answer the door when he saw who it was.
  • If Dog Holes exist in the space-time continuum,  then the extra dog poops may be linked to the number of UFO sitings on any given night.   He has a graph going that the shows the number of sightings of Green Men and flying saucers, compared to the number of dog poops he finds in the morning.    This chart also shows some strong linkage, with the chart peaking on moonless nights. 
  • He even believes that quantum theory is involved in his research.    He says that the quantum of dog poops is the square of the dogs in residence, or Q=Dogs squared.
  • He has even kept a chart to see if the number of dog poops in the yard is somehow linked to the number of treats per day.   He has a chart of "Treats per Day" vs "Dog Poops per day".     We enjoy the days when the chart spikes, on the treat per day axis, but it is heck when that axis drops.   
  • We have attempted to counter this by putting forth the theory that the extra dog poops on any given day are caused by the neighbor cat who is not only very big, but also too lazy to dig.   We may have to resort to a chart to prove our theory.   
  • As a last resort, Bella and I are trying to rotate the "Treat to Poop" graph 180 degrees so that the poops to treat ratio is inverse.    That way we may be able to get increased treats on his lazy days.
Have any of you had a similar problem with your owner?

Mogley G. Retriever

ps.  Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but Google decided to hide our blog from us for most of a week.


  1. wow that is way more complex than we get!


  2. I tell you, I never imagined that poop could show up on it's own, but since I got Minnie, our poop per dog ratio has quadrupled. I think she must poop extra just for fun. I don't understand it.

    We've missed you Mogley!

  3. Wow. If your chauffeur needs another person on his doctoral committee, we volunteer Mom. She' got a Ph.D. and does all sorts of statistics-y thingys and watches the Discover Channel on a regular basis. Oh, and she picks up a lot of dog poop. As such, she suggests that your chauffeur add one more variable into his modeling - the weight of each dog and/or amount of foodables consumed on any given day. Either that, or stick with the little green men theory....

    *kissey face*
    -Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus

  4. Or maybe Poop Psychology :)

  5. Now.......Ah.......Let us think on this a moment........

    Hamish & Sophie

  6. There is a total logic to the theory of UFOs, Wormholes, Black Holes and Dog Holes verses dog poop. Now about the complicated mathematics that is an other matter -- we have to think about that for a while. We just wish mommie would stop laughing so she could help us with the equations.

    We were glad to hear from you again, Mogly.

    Lady(senior), Sandy Paws and Oliver.

  7. Hi Y'all,

    I have a secret at the shore there are lots of shrubs. I hide the poop there. In the mountains I go up the bank where the humans never climb and hide the poop. Thus no one in our house cares about poop.

    Y'all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

  8. I am dying. You are soooooooo funny :) Thanks for the laugh!

  9. Oh my dogness! That is funny. Our person has a similar issue. There are 2 of us that live here full time and then Cuz'in Ruger is here during the day. Some how there is way more Cuz'in Ruger poop than our poop. And he is the littlest dog. Doesn't many any sense at all to mom!


    Mr. Nubbin'

  10. Too funny...sadly we have pondered the same thing:)

  11. My mom is convinced the neighbors throw all their poops into our yard, because one dog couldn't possibly poop that much!

    Wags N Kisses,